I got it ‘all’

18/03/2018

21h32

DAY 3 ED FREE!!!

I wanted it all…

  • The boyfriend
  • The skinny body
  • Smaller boobs
  • Longer, blonder hair
  • Popularity
  • The invite to the party
  • The lavish, materialistic lifestyle

And I got it.. I got it all

Consumed in this ‘have it all’ lifestyle I can remember truly believing that I was happy.

Only thing was…

I wasn’t.

I was fake.

I was consumed in a materialistic, weight dependent world built on my own lies.

I had achieved all on my “want-list”.

But I had lost everything on Jaimie’s list

  • My friends
  • Connection with family
  • My ability to eat and enjoy it
  • My morals
  • My compassion
  • My values
  • My will
  • My passion
  • My happiness
  • Jaimie

I was not Jaimie for almost 7 years of my life. At 23 years old, I had lost 7 years to my own delusions. I believed that I needed those “wants” to be happy – but truth is, it only delivered the opposite.

And so my journey is a journey BACK to me. To the happy, healthy, honest, beautiful ME. And to love me, my body, and let the person I will become and my value system and inner self reflect my beauty.

The past 3 days of being completely ED free and the past few months of a shifted mindset and step by step journey to recovery have been the most honest, happiest times in the past 7 years. Anorexia and Bulimia did not bring me any truth or happiness. But this journey of self-love (despite of its ups and downs) toward full recovery has! I can only imagine the beautiful life that the future holds! And that is what keeps me fighting.

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The Constant Struggle

14 March 2017

-21h44 PM

The past 3 days I have been in constant battle. I have woken up each day – ready to tackle my bulimia. Ready to follow my structured meal plan and invest in eating 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. And then somewhere between a successful lunch and a missed snack/dinner – it kicks in. The bulge. I feel it creep in, consuming my stomach, I search for close to cover it, I look in the mirror and see it. A hardened, bloated stomach coupled with feelings of pain and disheartening. It’s a catch 22 -the excessive bloating seems to go hand in hand with each step of success. And just like that – I give up. I lose myself. I empower my disorder. The cycle continues.

Perhaps its time to see it from a different perspective – what if I allow the bloating? What if I persevere? I know the cycle of giving up-Im all too familiar with the feelings of shame and disgust that accompany the BP. What is there to lose in seeing the other side? And so, I decided..I’m going to embrace the bloat. 1 day at a time.

Goal in mind: HAVE ONE SUCCESSFUL DAY.

Note to self: THE BLOAT – TO BEAT? CONTINUE TO EAT!

 

16 MARCH 2017

-21H19PM

Note the date. Yesterday I did great up until coming home from having a drink with some friends. Those little voices came back. I binged. Gnocci, Quinoa, Nuts, Cereal, Hot chocolate, Popcorn (there was probably more but I was in a binge daze). I emptied my bowels into whatever I could find and then made my way to the toilet bowl to purge any left overs. I then retired to my bed – exhausted and disappointed. I ask myself – why? Why, when I know how it makes me feel, when I know that it is only accompanied by feelings of disgust, unhappiness and pain, do I continue to find myself in the BP cycle? Have I no willpower?

Today, however, I woke up positive – I woke up with a new perspective. Yesterday was no failure. My usual 10-20 binges and purges per day – became ONE yesterday. I ate breakfast and lunch and allowed it to digest. What I didn’t do was embrace the bloat, I allowed those voices of hate to take control – to push me to the purge only leading to the dreaded binge! And thus the cycle..

BUT I need not be disappointed – I have taken a leap in my recovery, I have broken down barriers and began the journey to my happy, healthy life. A set back is not the end of the road. Today, despite yesterday’s relapse I picked myself up and (although the day is not done yet) I am in bed and I have kept all of todays meals down. My stomach is bulging but I am embracing it! I am nourishing my body – the means of transport on my journey to me. It’s a long, tough journey and so I need to give my body all the fueling it needs to transport me on my journey! Hopefully I wakeup tomorrow being 1 full day bulimia free…